Confidence Turned to Insecurity

Fear, insecurities, lack of self confidence... These three words or descriptions run through my head as I read about the different kinds of fear that women of the Bible have faced. How did they overcome? How did they experience freedom from fear? How did they carry on with their lives? You and I probably face these fears of not being good enough at work, home, in friendships, and family expectations. I know for sure I face these fears. But I have recently discovered a new dimension to this fear of mine. Before I was married I felt so alive and free, so confident and sure of myself. Maybe I was too proud, maybe God decided to teach me a lesson or two about myself. This is what my single life looked like, even while dating my husband. 

I was performing well at my job. 

I was going to school part time, and had a plan to finish my 4 year degree. 

I kept busy with church functions.

I was involved with kids ministry. 

I made time for friends and fun activities. 

I was living on my own (quite proud of my cute loft apartment). 

I was financially stable all on my own. 

I liked my body image, satisfied with my weight. 

I made time every morning to read my bible and pray. 

I had it made, right?! Well my perfect world was about to change, drastically! I got married and decided to move away from my perfect world, while somehow still believing it would remain. To my surprise it didn't. Here is what it looked like just a few short months after getting married. 

I was jobless and so was my husband. 

I was still planning to do school part time. 

I wasn't involved with church functions. 

I didn't spend time with friends near as much. 

I was living in my grandmothers basement with my new husband. 

I was not financially stable because we didn't have jobs. 

I wasn't paying attention to my body image, but slowly saw the weight coming on as our marriage continued. 

I struggle to open my bible and pray each morning.

 

This is a very different picture than before. Now you can see why I feel like my world has come crashing down. I am not that confident, care free young woman I once was. The weight and fear has clouded my view of who I am and who God created me to be. I now live in a reality that is about pleasing myself and caring less about anyone else. I am afraid to invest in friendships because it takes me out of this little comfort box I have built since my perfect world was ripped from my hands by ME! Yes, I said me. My world changed because it was my choice. I have struggled to get involved with church because being married opens a whole new box of insecurities and confessions to reveal or conceal. I have a fear of doing this whole marriage thing wrong, making a fool of myself, having someone point a finger and say "I told you so," and then my not so perfect world comes crashing down once again. The little bit of normalcy and comfort I have tried to create suddenly is taken from me yet again. 

So what do I do now? How do I move forward and create a new kind of world for myself? How do I get back my confidence and fearless attitude? Where do I begin? One thing I do know is that my self confidence in my married life will always look very different than the kind of self confidence I had in my singleness.