Grown Up Married Life vs. Young and Carefree/Crazy Love

Okay, so I know I've only been married for not even two years yet but I just realized something today. We are turning into a responsible, grown up, and slightly boring married couple. Our life has slowly, yet quickly become a worry-fest about everything (at least it has for me). After a busy day of rearranging my house, doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, and a quick walk to enjoy the Spring weather I realized that our life isn't quite as fun and carefree as it once was. 

I remember before Brandon and I got married that we didn't have to many worries, at least we didn't seem to care about them as much. We both didn't seem to worry about money, we didn't seem to be so consumed with work and were able to leave it worries at work. We took trips more often, didn't worry about the money because we didn't have a lot of bills and we really only had to provide for ourselves at the moment. We laughed more, and had more fun; there were even fewer serious grown-up, mature moments. We would play more with the dog. Over all it seems as if we enjoyed life more because it seemed there were less responsibilities. 

Now, this is how I see my life and what it's consumed with - laundry for 2, grocery shopping and keeping the fridge stocked so we don't spend more $$$ eating out (getting fat), work and its worries that I bring home, our back problems and the quality of our mattress, my recent spell with depression, making sure we do the deed enough to satisfy each other (lol...), finding happiness at our jobs, all the while accumulating more STUFF that we don't need, saving money for our future, not making stupid financial decisions, paying bills, car troubles, etc... I'm sure the list could go on!

Wow! That's a lot!!! It seems that majority of that wasn't present when we both were dating and dwelling in separate houses, bank accounts, and responsibilities. So now what? Well if we have kids I know it's only going to get busier, more and more worries, more and more STUFF, less and less free, fun time. 
However it's all about what you choose to do with your time and thoughts. I have to choose now to make time for fun, to enjoy these responsible grown up times, to leave those worries at home, to trust God in a completely new way. 

So to all you people out there who aren't married yet, please take my advice and enjoy these moments you have before you have to grow up. Yes, married life is wonderful, but it's not always rainbows and unicorns, it most definitely has its moments of storms and dragons. You're going to have to look harder and try harder to find the fun, carefree moments, try to keep dating your significant other. Everyone is different and you'll have your own version of grown up married life. 
I hope the best for you, God Bless! 

Confidence Turned to Insecurity

Fear, insecurities, lack of self confidence... These three words or descriptions run through my head as I read about the different kinds of fear that women of the Bible have faced. How did they overcome? How did they experience freedom from fear? How did they carry on with their lives? You and I probably face these fears of not being good enough at work, home, in friendships, and family expectations. I know for sure I face these fears. But I have recently discovered a new dimension to this fear of mine. Before I was married I felt so alive and free, so confident and sure of myself. Maybe I was too proud, maybe God decided to teach me a lesson or two about myself. This is what my single life looked like, even while dating my husband. 

I was performing well at my job. 

I was going to school part time, and had a plan to finish my 4 year degree. 

I kept busy with church functions.

I was involved with kids ministry. 

I made time for friends and fun activities. 

I was living on my own (quite proud of my cute loft apartment). 

I was financially stable all on my own. 

I liked my body image, satisfied with my weight. 

I made time every morning to read my bible and pray. 

I had it made, right?! Well my perfect world was about to change, drastically! I got married and decided to move away from my perfect world, while somehow still believing it would remain. To my surprise it didn't. Here is what it looked like just a few short months after getting married. 

I was jobless and so was my husband. 

I was still planning to do school part time. 

I wasn't involved with church functions. 

I didn't spend time with friends near as much. 

I was living in my grandmothers basement with my new husband. 

I was not financially stable because we didn't have jobs. 

I wasn't paying attention to my body image, but slowly saw the weight coming on as our marriage continued. 

I struggle to open my bible and pray each morning.

 

This is a very different picture than before. Now you can see why I feel like my world has come crashing down. I am not that confident, care free young woman I once was. The weight and fear has clouded my view of who I am and who God created me to be. I now live in a reality that is about pleasing myself and caring less about anyone else. I am afraid to invest in friendships because it takes me out of this little comfort box I have built since my perfect world was ripped from my hands by ME! Yes, I said me. My world changed because it was my choice. I have struggled to get involved with church because being married opens a whole new box of insecurities and confessions to reveal or conceal. I have a fear of doing this whole marriage thing wrong, making a fool of myself, having someone point a finger and say "I told you so," and then my not so perfect world comes crashing down once again. The little bit of normalcy and comfort I have tried to create suddenly is taken from me yet again. 

So what do I do now? How do I move forward and create a new kind of world for myself? How do I get back my confidence and fearless attitude? Where do I begin? One thing I do know is that my self confidence in my married life will always look very different than the kind of self confidence I had in my singleness. 

Half Awake, Negative, and a Sinner

I'm reading a book called Letting Go of Perfect by Amy Spiegel. At the end of one of the chapters it reads this...

"On the road I travel, I have been given all I need and then some. I am well- supplied and heading in the right direction. But too often I fail to stop to refuel. I get distracted by all the activity around me and forget that I am running on grace, on borrowed fuel which must be replenished from its only source. I don’t take advantage of that which has been provided for me and try to make it on my own. Though I profess to know my dependence, I act as if I can make it on my own. “I can squeeze another mile or two out of this tank. I can make it another day or two without praying, without having read my Bible, without confessing my utter need for Him.” But eventually I run out of steam, sheer willpower counts for little and I am left stranded. Even then He is faithful to rescue, give me a lift and a refill. If only I will surrender."

I'm pretty sure she is describing me in this paragraph. I have been having the hardest time staying focused on the One thing that keeps my world spinning. My focus has been trying to stay focused on the wrong thing, myself. I often find myself pushing my Bible aside, or seeing it out of the corner of my half opened eye so early in the morning, then saying to myself "you'll be fine without it today, do something that "stimulates" your mind more." 

I don't know if you see it but there is a huge lie in that statement. Actually two lies. I am usually not fine with out reading my Bible and praying. Something seems to always go wrong or I have a negative attitude all day at work. This negativity usually results in participating in the latest gossip about a co-worker, complaining about someone or something, or having a lack of motivation to perform my very best at my job. On really bad days all three of those happen. 

The second lie is about finding something "more" stimulating to do in the morning. Nothing should be more stimulating than being renewed and refreshed by digging into your Heavenly Fathers love letter and manual for life. This should be what keeps me going, what gives me energy and drive to tackle my day and all that it brings. And it can only do that by making the choice to sit down, pick it up and read His word! 

Now you many be asking "if it's so great then why don't I just choose it every morning over facebook, the news, sleeping and extra 30mins, or a game on my iPad?" Well here is your answer and probably the same answer that you would have too... I am sinful, I am a human being and we were created sinners. Satan will use any and every tactic to distract us from growing closer in our relationship with Jesus Christ. Our sinful nature finds so many shortcuts and temporary answers that bring us temporary satisfaction. This all leads back to His grace. When we surrender and confess that we are sinners, and can't make it on our own through this life He gives us grace, forgives our sins (past, present, and future), and gives us the Bible to help find our way or His way for us, the path He has planned. His plans are always so much better than my own. 

Even day after day of ignoring my Bible and praying, He still loves me and welcomes me into His arms! He'll do the same for you! 

Black Friday Part 2

Last year I wrote about Black Friday and all that it brings and takes away. This time I have something different to say. 

I did not stay up late, stand in line during early hours of the morning, spend huge amounts on things I didn't need, and I didn't go to bed feeling guilty. I did however shop at Goodwill and got a heck of a deal on frames: 4/$7.50. It was a great feeling knowing that I bought something that I can recycle and recreate into something better, plus for such a cheap price! 

This year I am trying to have a more simple outlook on the Christmas season. Christmas has become so much about spending money, who is buying the best present, hoping your family is satisfied with the gift you chose, and are we dressed to impress. I am going to try my best to the make most of my gifts this year, recycle and make sure they are used and enjoyed instead of used, abused, and thrown away and neglected by December 26th. 

Yes, I am partly doing a simpler Christmas because my husband and I just finished the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University. We are trying to pay off debt quickly by pinching pennies. But as we discussed what we wanted to spend on Christmas presents we even considered not getting presents for each other. This would allow us to spend a little more on the ones we love. Spending less on Christmas has brought a peace to my heart, I don't feel near as stressed about impressing. The only thing I'm slightly stressed about is hoping that my homemade gifts don't turn out to be a complete disaster! 

So now I encourage you to shop at Goodwill and see what you can recreate and re-gift. May you discover a less-stressed version of yourself and remember the true meaning of Christmas is keeping Christ in Christmas! Celebrating the birth of our Savior!  

Love Covers

As I'm sitting at the kitchen table doing some morning time with The Lord, I have pandora playing and my bible open. A song comes on by Sara Groves - When It Was Over. In this song there is a verse that reads from scripture in 1 Peter 4:8 - " love covers a multitude of sins." 

As I ponder this verse, I can't but help to think that this is our one instruction, we'll one of the most important. The Lord, Almighty God has called us as his children to love one another above all other things. To love as he has loved us. Believe me I know this isn't easy, I know first hand how hard it is to love those who have wronged us. The last thing we want to do is show them compassion, grace, sympathy, and mercy. I usually want to punch them in the face and never speak to them again. 

But as chosen ones of Christ we are called to go beyond our human, worldly natures to love everyone, even our enemies. What, even our enemies?! Yes... Those people too! In that love we are to forgive, it might take some time to reach complete forgiveness but that's what we are suppose to do becaus The Lord forgives every single one of our sins that we commit against him. He still chooses to love us, bless us, show mercy, grace, compassion, and use us to bring others to his unfailing love. 

So I am called to love even when my heart has been wounded, I chose to love because I have made a promise and commitment to The Lord above that I chose to obey him and love in his people. It's not easy but it's a choice that sometimes has to be made everyday when I wake up or even every moment in my day. 

1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 

One year later

It's been a while since I last wrote. A lot has taken place this past year. Shortly after my last post The Lord has sure changed my life. I'm no longer living on my own, I have a new job, different car, new friends but also still the old, and my walk with The Lord now looks completely different. 

In the last year I became a girlfriend, fiancé, and wife to the man of my dreams. So totally unexpected and scary at times. It was all clearly The Lord and I went with his plan completely acting on faith. When I imagined myself getting married I never throught it would be with in 5 months of dating someone, I knew it would be fast but not that fast. Here is a break down by date what took place... 

12/31/12 - start of dating relationship

3/9/13 - proposal

5/31/13 - wedding day

Yes exactly 5 months. And today is exactly a year later. 

What a whirlwind of a year and I wouldn't trade it for anything else because it's my story and it's unlike anyone else's. And I love my husband because he loves me for who I am. Now along with this role of being a wife comes a great responsibility, my entire spiritual life has changed and it takes me more work to stay on track. Satan sure hates marriage and has tried hard to destroy ours. To be a Godly wife takes total, and I mean complete, 100% sacrifice to love, respect, trust, and support your husband. Also you have to maintain your own connection to The Lord and encourage his spiritual connection as well. You also have to grow spiritually together. Among all of this I have had my dry spells and very trying moments. When we both are not seeking The Lord together and separately it wears on our marriage. We are making progress and moving forward, all by the grace of God and his power of the Holy Spirit inside of us. 

So now as I return to writing more frequently I hope you enjoy and are encouraged by what's on my heart and mind. God bless and happy new year!!!

Where Is Your Mission Field?

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19

And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.” Mark 16:15

These two verses talk about going into all the nations, into all the world teaching and proclaiming the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The first thing I think of is Missions. When I first hear the word missions I think about traveling to other countries, besides the United States, and serving, teaching and proclaiming the name of Jesus Christ. My mind doesn’t think about right here, where I currently am. When I see the word “Go” I think I must actually leave and be sent somewhere different from where I currently am.

Yesterday the Lord brought to my mind a realization that this isn’t exactly what he meant, he didn’t say that we had to wait to be sent on a trip or given the opportunity to go somewhere exotic, completely different than our usual state. He has already sent me. I am already in the place he wants me. Yes… right here in Billings Montana. He has placed and sent me here for a reason, this is my mission field. Well, rather His mission field, I am just His servant to be used for His glory.

I’ve never been on a mission trip out of the country, I’ve had many opportunities but it’s just never worked out just right for me to go. Discouragement and questioning God filled my heart and mind, why He wasn’t allowed me to go on these mission trips? Now I see it, it’s clear!!! He doesn’t want me on those trips because His purpose and mission for me is right here in Billings Montana. He has placed me here for a specific reason, to reach one person or many.

Even though I’ve never been on a mission trip out of the country I have no doubt that it gets you out of your comfort zone and makes you appreciate the United States. I know it’s a challenge to learn a new language, communicate and live in a completely different culture; but the same is true here. Sharing my faith here is just as much of a challenge and a leap out of my comfort zone as it would be in a different country. Each person you come in contact with is from a different “culture” they have a very different way of living than you, especially here in the United States, we are very multicultural.

So if you are like me and you’ve never been on a mission trip out of the country, stop and ask God if your mission field is right here. Maybe it’s your work place, maybe it’s your neighbors, maybe it’s your own family, I don’t know but God does. He might be sending you to right where you already are.